Turmoil

The pain moves in cycles:
I remember,
I contemplate,
I suppress,
I fail

I screw up
three things
before breakfast every day

Is it just PMS
or is it something worse,
some other acronym
(BPD, PTSD, MDD)
or am I just a bad person
?

Does writing and art
help get it out
if there is
no time to create
no time to contemplate
no time to be a person

just a machine
for cleaning
teaching
cooking
serving others
and never myself

What is the point
How can I create meaning for myself
if I cannot even create a shitty poem or painting
much less a child

This is going nowhere
I should just delete this
but like all cries for help
I'll send it out into the ether
and hope
for something to give
because something has got to give