Dissociation

Who am I?

No,
this is not some cutesy riddle,
but rather
a deep-seated lack of certainty
about the self.

I used to define myself
by my relationships to family
(daughter, sister, granddaughter,
then wife)
or to friends
(the quiet one, the artsy one, the weird one,
the depressed one)
or even to career
(student, teacher, office monkey,
unemployed,
overworked)

but now I am uncertain
(often I am uncertain)
for I have more than three jobs
(teacher, nanny, cook, cleaner, artist, poet)
(none of which pay sufficiently)
(none of which are full-time)
(none of which come with benefits)
(I will work until I die)
and my relationship with my family is tenuous at best
(I cannot blame them, I can only blame myself)
and my friends feel so far away

I lose track of myself
maybe it is because I have been lied to
about myself
(those things did not happen to you,
you are remembering them wrong,
you made them up,
you lie)

Perhaps my brain is incapable
of maintaining a coherent image
because my character is flawed,
my personality is cracked,
I am a madwoman

am I even a woman?

am I even human?

am I even I?

Inhale and connect to the flesh,
however temporarily,
for you have work to do today,
all days,
and there is no time to disconnect,
even though it happens unintentionally,
you must force yourself through it
whoever you are.